Meditations on Recovery
Recovery.
A word that’s supposed to invoke healing, but instead can remind you that in this battle for sober living, recovery is painful and sometimes one step backward puts you right back at the beginning of the path. Recovery Day began as an annual event in 2012, with its goal being to highlight that those with drug, alcohol, and behavioral addictions can be functional, achieve sobriety, and be productive members of society. In 2022 a national survey concluded that 46.8 million Americans (roughly 17%) struggled with a substance abuse disorder in the last year. This is an all too common problem, and the system that treats addicts and the world that judges them are not perfect and are sometimes outright unwelcoming. Drug addiction sounds like a choice to those who haven’t been put on prescription painkillers or benzodiazepines for years on end, but ultimately, it’s a disease. My abuse started 10 years ago, and all it took was one pill to send me down a different path while I was undiagnosed, unmedicated, and under-informed.
A little blue pill was my first step. I had yet to be diagnosed bipolar and my boss at the time was not lenient in letting me pursue the treatment I was beginning to think I needed. I was run down, stressed, tired, and had no motivation for the job that ground me down. My coworker, however, was always peppy. Her secret? Adderall, and she shared it with me. My hands flew across the keyboard, I was chipper, productive, and focused. I thought this was the big secret I’d been missing. Soon, one pill turned into two and soon I was buying baggies of the mini meth pills to keep myself from crashing. The anxiety from the stimulants though was getting unbearable, so I reached for something to take the edge off and wrapped my lips around a bottle. I was so desperate for escape that I would buy two bottles of wine at lunch, drink one before I got back, and drink one on the office bathroom floor before I went home. I cycled between the stimulants and the depressants until the burnout became noticeable. Adderall could wait because now I needed something powerful.
I don’t remember the first time I purchased cocaine, but my Adderall habit had so much hold, I needed something faster and stronger. Cocaine came easily. A chic party drug I was judged for using it, but at the same time asked to share with others who wouldn’t call themselves addicts but don’t mind illegal substances. The cocaine went on incessantly for years to the point I would wake up and take a line first thing in the morning to get out of bed. When I finally had my first healthy relationship in years is when I reevaluated how this habit would affect our lives. After an all-night bender, my now fiancé and I took the still massive amount of drugs and flushed it for good, and I haven’t touched it since. The alcohol took longer due to its social nature, people always notice the person not drinking and it becomes a point of contention, as though you’re a teetotaler. I joined various groups for addiction to help support me through the transition and anxiety when the alcohol had to go nearly two years ago.
My advice on groups: don’t settle. Not all groups are created equal. Make sure you have a facilitator you feel safe and trusted with, make sure it doesn’t seem like the group is aligned against the goal of recovery, and see if the topics and exercises discussed meet your needs in your journey right now. There’s no shame in finding the right chemistry for your treatment and I’ve learned worlds from my groupmates.
If you’re struggling with an addiction, you are far from alone. Millions out there are currently dependent on some type of behavioral or substance-based coping mechanism that spawns into disease. The most cliché part is having the conversation with yourself about what matters more: the high, or the rest of your life. It’s a scary step, letting go of a tried and true coping mechanism as powerful as narcotics can be, but once you’ve started to saw away at the noose you didn’t notice you looped around your neck with hard work and honesty it’s easier to breathe. For those of you that don’t feel ready to seek professional help, please, have a support network that can help keep you safe and consider home practices to help acclimate you to the skills they teach for addiction such as “urge surfing.” An uphill battle that can send you hurdling downwind, addiction is not a weakness of character, and it can be overcome.